A fun recipe!!!
If this song doesn’t get your heart racing I don’t know what to tell you—you’re broken:
Thing 1: A typical online recipe:
This buttered, locally sourced, toast with salt will make your day (or week, year, life!)
I think all the families (especially my mamas out there!!! Shout out to the MA-MAs!) can feel a little overwhelmed this time of year. St. Patrick’s Day prep took up every hour of my life the last month, be that prepping soda bread, brining my corned beef, and making tiny replica Beretta for my kids to carry to the dinner table alongside teeny-tiny IRA berets. And don’t get me started on hubby! He’ll be out all day with the boys knocking back Guinness at the local Applebee’s starting at 7 am, one week PRIOR to the holiday. As if that holiday prep isn’t exhausting enough, I now have to begin Easter prep, which can include boiling eggs ahead of time, to hand-hammering a to-scale cross for us to hang our youngest son Bentlee on for the big day when we reenact the death of Christ. When you’re a mom, it should be called, “Sleepy and Tired Holidays,” not “Happy Holidays!” Am I right?
To add insult to injury (and lawsuit to injury) our Au Pair recently quit because I’m “verbally abusive and perpetuating wage theft.” Okay, so we know ONE girl boss who won’t be getting an invite to Easter now!!!
With all that going on you can imagine how important breakfast can be—which is where I came up with the recipe I’m going to share with you today, and that I will definitely now be telling you how to make so you don’t have to keep scrolling through unnecessary background that has nothing to do with the recipe or how to make it. However, I’d be remiss without digging into what breakfast really means in the context of Judeo-Christian traditions.
Now there was a man of the Pharisees named Nicodemus, a ruler of the Jews. This man came to Jesus by night and said to him, “Rabbi, we know that you are a teacher come from God, for no one can do these signs that you do unless God is with him.” Jesus answered him, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.” Nicodemus said to him, “How can a man be born when he is old? Can he enter a second time into his mother's womb and be born?” Jesus answered, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God. - John 3: 1-36
Look, does this section of the bible explicitly mention breakfast? No. Could one argue this is symbolically about breakfast? Also no. But is it something that you might read before breakfast? Sure, if you’re a bored Puritan in the olden times, why not? Let me see if I can find a better one.
A young man, wearing nothing but a linen garment, was following Jesus. When they seized him, he fled naked, leaving his garment behind. -Mark 14:51-52.
Ummm, well it’s not about breakfast but it does make Jesus’s suffering seem even worse. It’s like, “Hellooooooo mister, I’m already having a tough time here on the cross—why are you stalking me??” And why is he running away naked? Awwwwwkward!!!!
And one more thing before I dig into this recipe, which I fully intend to do, and not to continue improving the SEO of this recipe—do you remember being a kid and you’d see the program for that day’s church service and under the readings you’d see it say something like “Matthew 18: 6-45” and you’re just like “fuck my life we’re literally never going to get to the after-church refreshments at this rate are we?” But if it was something super short, like only 1-3 of something, you knew it was going to be a good-ass Sunday.
So, this recipe requires bread. Bread, for the unfamiliar, is typically made of yeast, wheat, and things and stuff. No need to make your own bread for this—I typically just buy it ahead of time. From a store. I’d dig into what a store is but I’m starting to feel like you’re not reading this anymore and have already scrolled down to the recipe. But guess what, that’s not going to stop me. I’m just going to keep writing and writing and writing my way around this recipe until I am driven mad. You’ll want to slice or buy pre-sliced bread. As a busy mama, I typically buy pre-sliced bread. I know, I know—embarrassing, but I must take a break somewhere!
The secret ingredient here is salted butter. You can find salted butter typically in the same section they keep unsalted butter, but please don’t be tricked into buying unsalted. It’s a scam from Big Unsalt.
This is what salted butter looks like so you don’t get confused:
This is what unsalted looks like:
You’re then going to toast the slice of bread, using either a toaster oven, toaster, a stove if you’re poor, or if you’re really poor, by holding it with a fork over a fire in a trash can under the bridge.
Once it’s toasted (you’ll know because the bread will be dryer or blacker than when you started.) You’ll place it on a china plate. The term “china plate” originates from the fact that porcelain was invented in China. I guess they really are going to win the trade war with that kind of tech know-how!
Spread the SALTED (please, please, please don’t use unsalted) butter on the toasted bread. Let it melt. Or if you’re impatient, put a hand warmer or your actual hand just right into the toast. Smush it around. Have fun with it!
And—you’re done! Serve at once with a tall glass of buttermilk. If you haven’t had buttermilk, it sounds like it’s going to be a delicious treat but it’s basically liquified cottage cheese. But it’s an absolute must here.
Recipe: Buttered toast
Ingredients
· Bread
· Salted Butter
Directions
1. Slice bread
2. Put bread in toaster or toaster adjacent device and toast it, which makes sense, because what else would a toaster do?
3. Spread butter on toast.
4. Enjoy
5. Or don’t enjoy, I’m not your boss.
Thing 2: Pigeon Report
When I say that there should be more diversity in fashion, I didn’t mean to let a pigeon lead the Chanel fashion show, as recently happened.
The excitement among this crowd, simply because of a pigeon absolutely boggles the mind. Do they not have pigeons in France? Are they just shocked to see a model in a Chanel show with a normal BMI? Whatever it is, I’m very concerned for the mental well-being of everyone whipping their cameras out to photograph your run-of-the-mill, dusty, busted-ass pigeon.
Grade: A, even I can’t deny this pigeon has her walk down pat. Tyra would be proud.
Thing 3: Nemurin is my queen
My latest obsession is a one-season kids show from Japan that aired in the eighties called “Dokincho! Nemurin” which I discovered clips of late one night while scrolling TikTok during a bout of insomnia. When I saw her beautiful visage I gasped—for Nemurin is the most wondrous creature I have ever met:
I’ve been watching some old episodes online with bad subtitles, so to be honest, I don’t fully follow WHAT Nemurin is, but in the first episode she’s awoken from an 800 million-year sleep, spurred by the tears and dreams of a little girl, as well a fire (I’m not making this up at all)…and then she moves in with the little girl and the family and fights bad guys and crime, but also is a sassy little diva who causes all sorts of shenanigans. Nemurin can also fly and carries a shell-horn that has magic powers. She also has amazing blue eyeshadow and eyelashes I’d kill for and flies around chaotically like a puppet on a broken string in a hurrican.
The show makes little to no sense, but it’s chock full of vibes, and I’m loving Nemurin’s vibes. You literally cannot guess minute to minute what’s going to happen. Like this episode where she stops the family’s son from…being a child bride and one of the kids performs an upbeat pop song about it? Unclear.
In another episode, she interrogates an octopus and then dresses up like a priest to kill (?) the octopus through an exorcism. Again, I wish I was making this up, but my imagination isn’t ever going to be this good.
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I’m obsessed. Nemurin is a queen, she’s got chutzpah, a strong sense of right and wrong, and she loves taking naps. Everything I aspire to be.