A fortune in Beanies
Cracks
I can’t be the only one who thought late-stage capitalism was going to be a little…sexier? Every dystopian novel and movie from the 50’-80’s set in the future prepared me for a scary, but also very cool and sexy future. I am sorry to say there is no one in this millennium as hot as Harrison Ford in Blade Runner.
The impacts of climate change are not as glamorous as promised. I knew the wheat would grow thin (Thanks for the heads up Joe Strummer!), but I feel like I was misled by other pop-music weather predictions. While the Weather Girls were correct in the barometer jump over time, it has yet to rain men.
If the world is hurtling to the natural end, let’s at least be a little chic about it, doncha think?
Theme music for this newsletter
In general, I agree when people say there shouldn’t be “guilty pleasure” songs or movies, etc. BUT there are some bands that are genuinely bad, and it’s only right to feel shame wile listening to them. I was on a bus the other day and STUPID SPOTIFY (or as I think of it fondly, the SS) wanted to remind me of what I listened to in 2016. On this playlist, among some real bangers was this one song, by a band that is…BAD. Very bad. They make me angry they’re so bad. And yet…I really like one of their songs? I was going to tell you what it is but I am TOO EMBARASSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I spend all day getting embarrassed for free, so if you actually want to know what it is, Venmo me $5 to @Beatrice-Santa-Wood
Pigeon report
You know what bird IS cool? Frickin’ house sparrows man. Those little guys are so cute and chubby. I just love their grimy-kewpie-doll vibe. I saw a sparrow chowin’ down on some bread with a bunch of big stupid pigeons the other day and he just looked so damn cute and sassy next to them. The difference between them both was JARRING. He was not buying the bullshit they were selling and I truly respected him for that.
Grade: A+ I love a house sparrow in the streets
Photo: (Me)
Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers
God what a boring week for celebrity gossip. Everyone is too busy talking about the Oscars which is so boring I can’t even finish this sent.
So, hmmm, what’s the haps with the rich and semi-famous this week? I don’t know but I did finally watch “The Lighthouse” and I think I understand Robert Pattinson’s appeal now, so that’s a fun development in my life re: celebrity hot-takes. That movie was so unsettling I literally had to watch a Golden Girls episode right after to prevent nightmares. I was mostly unsettled because the soundtrack is so anxiety producing. To make myself feel better about that creepy movie I wrote a fun upbeat theme song for the movie that I would encourage Robert Eggers to add in.
It’s the lighthouse/It’s just us two boys in a lighthouse/farting and singing and dancing and yelling and hugging and fighting and screaming and almost kissing/In the lighthouse/just us boys in the lighthouse/It’s the lighthouse
Answer/Grade: I think I’ve lost the plot on this one
Photo: (Design by me, photos: A24/Flickr)
The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently
Craigslist is a desert right now, so this week, let’s explore my favorite place to buy haunted dolls…EBAY!
In the nineties my mom worked for a toy store and for her annual bonus her boss was like, “do you want money or do you want a gigantic bag of beanie babies?” And my mom, being a genius, picked the Beanie Babies and made more money selling them. The closest I ever felt to having drug dealers as parents was watching my dad and mom carry in that giant bag of beanie babies to a nondescript store in a shopping mall in suburban Colorado, where the bag was purchased in its entirety. That’s how selling drugs work I think?
What I’m trying to say is that my entire FORTUNE today is in Beanie Babies. I mean, look at this little guy selling for one million dollars. I haven’t checked on their worth lately, but surely they only appreciate with time, right?
Photo: Screenshot/EBay.com
Hints from Hellouise
I started writing about how I figured out a way to truly rid my bathtub of grime by throwing hot dish soap on it and scrubbing it with a broom and oh my god it’s all downhill from here isn’t it.
Shit you really ought to read
And Now Back to Ignoring Indian Country-The New Republic. I really like Nick Martin’s work, and this is a really interesting piece on how it’s not just enough to have Native writer’s voices in the mix, if they’re only brought in occasionally as a token voice.
Tangled Threads: Why a Mao Suit Isn’t a Stalin Suit- Medium. We! Love! A! Historic! And! Political! Fashion! Deep-dive!
Fran Drescher, Millennial Whisperer-The New York Times. I have always loved the Naaaaaaaaaaaannnny and now the world is catching up.
Editor’s Note: I will be on vacation the rest of this month. So hang tight babies and I’ll see you in March!!