500 Hamster Power
I am nothing if not an anthropologist. As such, I’d like to share an excerpt from my upcoming book coming out from University of Phoenix Press called “A Taxonomy of Dudes” where I have systematically found and labeled every kind of dude that exists in 2024. You can order a copy by sending me $500 via traveler’s check.
This guy is going to steal your packages from the Real Real off your porch and then get really upset when he finds out it’s not prescription drugs.
This guy is a 98th term Senator
This guy is deeply embarrassed and emasculated by anyone who implies he drinks anything besides well whiskey and Tecate. He always smells a little like pee, even after showering.
This guy is a recent NYU grad whose parents invented Agent Orange and he’s opening for Charli XCX on her upcoming tour. I wish him the best of luck!
This guy thinks every malady you have can be fixed by microdosing. He has not been to a doctor with a college degree since he was 13. He owns one pair of shoes, and they are those rock climbing toe-shoes.
This is the type of guy who gets really upset when you tell him you haven’t seen
Pulp Fiction” and he makes you watch it and keeps turning to you every ten minutes and asks, “this is total auteur work, right?”
This guy got kicked off the train for a “human waste incident”
Thing 1: Pigeon report
In the U.S., the reproductive rights of Americans are under attack like never before. Want to abort? Sorry, that’s a no. Want to have a baby without dying? Also no. Would you like to buy affordable birth control without dreadful side effects? Again, that’s a no from America, Dawg.
But when it comes to reproductive rights for pigeons, there are no limits apparently, especially if you’re a European pigeon. In our ongoing war against pigeons, the latest approach is stuffing them with birth control flavored corn (Yum!)
There are an estimated 260 to 400 million pigeons across all continents except Antarctica (quick, how much does a flight to Antarctica cost and will the pigeons be able to follow me there?) Scientists suspect this birth control corn is the best way to get those numbers down. I’m torn, because from a reproductive justice standpoint this is yucky. But from a human vs. pigeons justice standpoint this is great and I fully support it.
Grade: Hmmm, this is not the approach for fighting back against pigeons methinks, so I guess this is a win and loss for everyone involved: F
Thing 2: Vroom Vroom (Let’s Ride)
You know what would be cool? If I could get a car with 500 hamster power. I want to see how much power those guys have. Luckily AI exists, so this is apparently what it would look like:
Thing 3: The Song of the Summer
…is “Ding Dong” by Surapon!!! You heard it here first!